last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize