Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
