Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
