Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
