I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
