i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
