I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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