gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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