when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
