Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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