shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
