i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So much rum. So many feels.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
