I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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