I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
