so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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