my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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