Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
