I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he shaved USA in his pubs
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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