There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
