Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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