this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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