Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
