i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Reggie can tackle my bush.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Randomize