I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
