i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
