I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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