The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize