Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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