Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
