Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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