I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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