if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
