guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
