he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
