Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize