I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
