In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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