I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
