My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
