so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
