i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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