why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
