but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
