Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
