remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
