I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
