My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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