You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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