So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize