Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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