my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
