I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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