I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
