You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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