If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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