just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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