remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
