i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
