Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize