he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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