everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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