Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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