Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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