I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
