I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
